The Romancechick Speaks

WARNING: LONG VENTING POST

The Girl called me from Washington Saturday night to get her flight info from her dad so she could check in at the airport the next day. While we were waiting for him to find the numbers on his computer, she told me that she’d had an amazing week and that God had been speaking to her, via a spiritual 2×4, the whole time.

Then she said she wanted to have a “long, in-depth” conversation with me about it when she got home, but “I probably wouldn’t like it.”

So, now what was I supposed to think?

She didn’t get home until about 1 am last night so I was in bed so there wasn’t time to talk.

A little background:

We moved from PA (a Philadelphia suburb) to Baton Rouge three and a half years ago. At the time, the Girl was “dating” a boy there, although her parents didn’t know it. It had been going on for about a year or so. At 14/15 years old, dating consisted of hanging out at a mutual friend’s house with other friends but everyone knew they were a couple except us.

She told us this after we’d lived here six months or so and they weren’t a couple anymore. A distance of 1300 miles will do that, plus she thought it was a good idea not to be officially a couple with that much distance.

Well, time went on and he got a new girlfriend who hated my daughter without ever meeting her. Apparently, the Ex-boyfriend continued to be “obsessed” with my daughter, talking about her a lot and whatever, to the point the new girlfriend made a nasty, stalkerish video suggesting she wanted to kill my child.

When the Girl spoke to Ex-Boyfriend about it, he apologized but he didn’t break up with Stalker Chick. This was where he lost a lot of “good guy” points in my book.

Well, my daughter has a big heart and wanted to “stay friends” with Ex-Boyfriend because they were friends before they were a couple. I have explained to her that, in my experience, “being friends” is hard, if not impossible, because of baggage. Still, though, even while dating Stalker Chick, he’d text the Girl, call her cell at 1 am or IM her when he was sad because he and Stalker Chick were having problems.

Now, when we lived in PA, the Girl, Ex-Boyfriend and several other kids who had all gone to the same Catholic grammar school and church were part of this circle of friends who walked to the high schools (a all-girl one next door to an all-boy one) together. The Girl’s best friend, Hockey Babe, attended the same high school but had moved to another town so she didn’t walk with them, but it was her house they all hung out at.

After we moved and the break-up happened, Hockey Babe stopped being friends with Ex-Boyfriend. He apparently got involved with a strange bunch of kids, Stalker Chick’s friends, and Hockey Babe saw bad things happening.

To this day, I think, Hockey Babe doesn’t like him much and they don’t talk. I think Ex-Boyfriend and Stalker Girl are not together anymore and The Girl keeps trying to tell me he’s changed.

Okay, fast forward to now.

A few days ago, while The Girl was still in Washington, she called just to say hi and I asked if she’d seen anyone she knows from PA. I know many kids from the high school and that area go to the March for Life. After all, PA is a bit closer to Washington, DC, than Baton Rouge and we know a lot of priests and good Catholic kids from there.

She said, “Maybe.”

Maybe is a code word for yes, but I’m being cagey about it because I don’t want to actually tell you I saw him.

I freaked a little (Ex-Boyfriend played a lot of mind games with the Girl in addition to not actually wanting to let go of her while dating Stalker Chick) then jokingly said, “So, you’ve had a wonderful few days with him and you’re back together.”

She laughed and said no.

So, now it’s Saturday and she’s told me that she wants to have a long, in depth talk with me that I won’t like.

All day Sunday I worried and missed her a lot.

We went to Mass Sunday night and her best friend here, Gerard (they’re all My Chemical Romance fans – long story), sat with us. I asked her if she’d talked to the Girl and she said yes and she knew what she wanted to tell me. Then she said, “They aren’t engaged, yet.”

Another friend and her mother arrived and Gerard moved to sit with them and I started wondering anew what this big thing was. I figured it didn’t really have anything to do with Ex-boyfriend as it was God talking to her. I thought maybe she was dropping out of college or something. Maybe she’d decided to leave Catholicism.

Beloved told me to stop worrying and to have faith in her. And I did relax. I figured it wouldn’t be so terrible if it really were God speaking to her.

This morning, we got up late and I didn’t have time to do much more than hug her, but Beloved, who had driven her home from New Orleans last night, said the big thing was that she feels she needs to forgive Ex-Boyfriend (I thought she had) and “convert” him. That was a little weird as he attended Catholic school and his father is a Deacon (or was training to be one, last I knew). She said he’s not as devout as she is and she feels God is telling her she’s supposed to show him a better way or something.

I told her what I’d feared and she got really mad. Her father jumped in and said, “What was your mother supposed to think when you leave us with ‘you probably won’t like it’?” She said she can never mention Ex-boyfriend’s name in the house.

I told her this was not about him. It was about the way she is defensive and starts yelling and assuming we’re mad at her.

Anyway, she says there’s more to her big talk than just the forgiveness thing but we won’t be able to talk until this weekend probably.

I keep praying that if they are going to get back together and eventually…well, I just hope he has changed and that I’ll be able to see it.

I’m also praying she can meet some nice guy here!

And I do know that I’m probably anticipating something that isn’t what she means, but at this point I don’t know what to think.

Oh, and we got up late and I spilled oatmeal on the floor.

Maybe the day can only get better!

How are you all doing?

I’m trying, AGAIN, to get back on the wagon in my attempt to get my life in order. In about six weeks, I’ll have a milestone birthday. I’m not completely ready to announce the number.

This is the first time in my life that’s the been the case. I’ve always been okay with my age and not at all self-conscious about it, but this one is a biggie and it’s going to be hard to get used to.

Anyway, what’s new since the last time I wrote?

Well, the Girl goes back to college this morning, early, as her first class is at 9:30 and she hasn’t moved into the dorm yet! Beloved went to bed early as he ran 8 miles yesterday, lifted weights and swam in the pool AND went to Mass! He was exhausted. He’s up now, working on his book and waiting for the kids to get moving.

The Boy’s been showing progress from his language therapy. I’ve noticed that he seems to be talking more about things without resorting to nonsense. And he’s been describing things better.

I’m still plugging away on Sword & Illusion. I’m hoping to get it polished completely by my birthday, but it’s not looking too good. I’ve found some small problems in chapters I thought were finished, and I’m having to move some scenes around to make up for some I’m taking out.

Spiritually, I’m trying to lose my tendency to (1) run myself down and see myself as a horrible person and (2) worry about things or be fearful. I know God loves me just the way I am, but it’s something I need to internalize.

I’m getting back into my scrapbooking and did several layouts this weekend. You can see them all here.

One of my goals is to update this thing more often.

I’m going to leave you with my new “overheard at Mass” section:

Yesterday as the Boy and I were kneeling after coming back from Communion, he said, “I see lots of yellow people and not so many chocolate.” (This is something he says a lot to get a reaction, I think.)

I told him that God doesn’t see us as colors. He sees us just as people.

He said, with an excited expression on his face, “You mean, He sees us naked?”

Have a great day, knowing God loves you!

Actually, there were several all connected. It’s almost like God thinks I need to be shaken over and over again until I get the message!

Yesterday the priest at Mass was from Food for the Poor. He told stories that broke my heart. Little kids who only have dirt to eat, families where they have to take turns eating because there isn’t enough for everyone to eat everyday, heartwrenching stories. I sat in Mass and cried as I listened. I am such a softie.

Here I am listening to these stories as the Boy is telling me that he’s hungry and I just wanted to cry more. I told him I was NOT going to talk about what we were going to have for dinner and if Mass was almost over because I knew we had chicken and pork chops and milk and bread and food in abundance and little children around the world die every day because they don’t have anything to eat.

On the way home I told my husband I wanted to give all the money I’ve been saving to go to RWA’s National Conference in Nashville in 2010. I have a jar on my dresser and at the end of the week any money left over from the weekly food budget goes in there along with coins/change I get from various shopping trips. I have no idea exactly how much is in there but I know there is about $43 in bills and the jar is full of change besides.

I fully expected him to say no.

I kinda thought he would.

He didn’t.

Then this morning my Bible reading was about the golden calf the children of Israel worshipped when Moses was gone for so long up on Mount Sinai, and the devotion was about God asking the writer to give up her shopping addiction for Lent. God asked me, quietly, if I was REALLY willing to give up the money I’d been saving for his children.

And deep down, I wasn’t.

It had been a gesture. A thing of the moment, but here God was asking me for real. Am I willing to give up what isn’t, truly, that important to help someone or several someones who can really use it?

Boy, you know what? It was hard. I really want to go to Nashville for RWA Nationals in 2010. I haven’t been since 2006 and maybe by then I’ll have sold another book. I hope so.

Before anyone got up, I folded a load of clothes and watched about 10 minutes of something I had on tape, and when I turned off the DVR, the TV was on a commercial about a charity that feeds the hungry in Africa.

I mean, come on. How many times to I have to be convicted of this???

My husband, this morning, told me to take the change to the Coin-Star and get it converted into bills so we know how much is in there. We’ll send it to Food for the Poor and I can start saving again for Nashville. We’re also considering cancelling our cable and going with Netflicks for our television viewing and sending money every month to Food for the Poor.

Okay, God, is this what you wanted me to do?

At Mass yesterday.

Usually, we take “art supplies” – a box of crayons and a sketch pad – with us to keep the Boy occupied during what, for him, are the more boring parts. Plus, since the Girl and Beloved sing in the contemporary choir, and they sing at the 6 pm Mass every Sunday except the first Sunday when they sing at noon, we usually are their for two hours. The contemporary choir practices at 5 pm on the Sundays they sing at 6. However, I always make the Boy stop coloring and pay attention during the Consecration. I want him to understand this is the most important part and have it slowly sink in that this is why we’re here.

Okay, so yesterday, being the first Sunday, it was the noon Mass, and we were coming to the consecration.

Our priest yesterday was our associate pastor. He is a tall, black priest (I love that my son gets to see a black priest regularly) who has an accent because I believe he’s from Africa. He’s a very spiritual man who sings a prayer before every homily and has the congregation sing “O Come let us adore him” after he consecrates each element.

Anyway, as he’s doing the prayers leading to the actualy consecration, I heard the Boy say something about “coconut.” He sometimes talks to himself for I ignored him. He was watching Father so I thought at least he wasn’t playing with some kid behind him.

Father begins to consecrate the host and the Boy said, “Is he going to say coconut?”

I whispered, “I don’t think he’s going to say that.”

The Boy watched.

Then it came time for the Precious Blood and the Boy’s eyes got big and he turned to me and said, “He’s going to say coconut soon. Listen.”

I was pretty sure Father was not going to say coconut, but the Boy was listening intently.

Father said, “Take this, all of you, and drink from it: this is the cup of my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting…”

The Boy said, “Coconut!”

I started laughing. “Covenant. Not Coconut.”

As it was All Soul’s Day, I’d been teary-eyed since my friend and her husband sang a duet they sing at funerals as prelude and I’d been thinking about my father and sister, this bit of laughter (probably not in the best place to lose focus, but whatever) was a gift from God.

10/8/08

My husband and I are converts to Catholicism and if you’ve read this blog much, you probably already know that we take all the teachings very seriously. We’ve run into some issues with family members over the contraaception issue, our belief in the Real Presence, the honor we give to Mary and more minor things like our choice not to eat meat on Fridays as a sacrifice on the day Christ died.

We try, to the best of our human abilities, to live lives that reflect the Church’s teachings and we try to raise our children with full knowledge of those same teachings.

It’s never easy to live in this world but maintain a moral stance that is attacked on all sides by the media and even some friends and family. However, Christ never promised us it would be easy.

One way most true Catholics stay charged up about their faith, besides participating in the sacraments, is by seeking out and cultivating friendships with others of like minds. It is in these relationships we can truly be ourselves, to the core of our beings, without fear of ridicule. To use a popular term these days, these relationships are “safe places.”

So, it is a severe shock to when one of these safe, nurturing relationships suddenly turns toxic without warning. This is what happened to me recently.

As you know, I’ve been posting updates on this blog about my medical situation. I haven’t done this to complain, because honestly I know things could be so much worse! I’ve done it mainly as a record of what is happening for me to go back and see how it was, in the future when I want to remember. Also, this is an easy way of letting family and friends who aren’t nearby know how I’m doing.

I have a handful of people who don’t read my blog, but I want to keep them up to date, too, so I often send out a group email similar to what I post here.

For the most part, responses are positive. Prayers are offered, as well as requests if I need anything or just basic support and offers of a shoulder if I need it.

One day, a Catholic friend, one of those safe relationships I mentioned, responded to an email about my son and his learning differences.

She suggested that God is calling me to homeschool.

I responded with what I thought was love and gratitude, but said I didn’t b believe homeschooling is for us. This is what I said:

Thanks so much for your concern, and believe me it is something that we’ve talked about, but I know myself and I am in no way organized enough to homeschool. And, given that the Boy has no siblings close to his age and no kids around that he could associate with, I don’t believe we would be doing him a favor taking him out of school.

I so admire people who homeschool. My best friend in New Jersey homeschools her three daughters, but I truly don’t think I’m gifted in that area.

As for The Boy’s religious training, we don’t depend on the school for that. The Girl had to attend “public” school from first through third grade (first and second in Germany and third because the Catholic school had no room), and while she attended CCD in third grade, I believe her strong Catholicism comes from having Beloved  as a father, just as your kids have you and your husband.

The bottom line for me is that The Boy, like The Girl, thrives around other kids and I just can’t offer him that kind of interaction. We chose Catholic school not just for the Catholic instruction which I do believe should come from us, but because we’d rather have the kids in a school that won’t mock their faith.

I really do appreciate your concern and I love you for caring, but please understand that I believe I am not cut out for this. I thought I would do something like that over the summer and it just never happened. I would be terrified to take him out of the structured environment of the school and try to do it here. He needs that structure and I don’t think I can provide it.

This is the response I got:

Well, I have to say that I am disappointed, but not surprised by your response.

 

If I knew your excuses were sincere, I would take the time to dispell any confusion or misunderstandings you have, especially the same old tired one of “socialization”.  Even if I told you The Boy would have an abundance of true Catholic friends (the kind that you want your child to “socialize” with) that he could spend quality time with (not the 15 – 20 minutes of “socialization” he would get during the school day at a traditional school), we still have the real reason which is YOU don’t WANT to homeschool.

 

As for your other excuse,  homeschooling doesn’t have anything to do with “being gifted in that area”, or “not being organized”, or “just not cut out for this”.  What I am hearing is, “I don’t WANT to do it”, “I’m not willing to make the sacrifice” and “My needs are more important than Noah’s”.  That’s the real bottom line.  You really sell your self short on your abilities and do not put enough faith in the treasury of sacramental graces we receive from the Sacrament of Matrimony that would help you to live out your duties in the vocation of marriage, which include the education of your children.  If you would align yourself with God’s will, not your own, you would be surprised at how much grace He would pour out on you to fulfill your duty as a mother and wife and to carry out His will.  He will not let you fail.  By not stepping out in faith, you are basically telling Him that you don’t believe He would see you through.

 

And I am going to tell you this because I do care about you and love you too. You routinely express and share problems and/or concerns in different areas of your life. In regards to The Boy’s school situation, I have given you (through the guidance of the Holy Spirit) the only clear truly Catholic answer there is, and you are rejecting it.  I really don’t think you want answers to your problems because there wouldn’t be anything for you to dwell on or write about.  I think you spend too much time complaining and looking at all the negative things in your life and don’t focus on the positive blessings you have been given (and I’m sure you would agree you are blessed in many, many ways). I’m sorry to have to share that with you and I’m not saying this to you in anything but a loving way and as a friend, but it is how I feel. 

 

I hesitated responding to you the first time, but the Holy Spirit put it in my heart to contact you and try to give you the answer you are looking for, which is what I have done.  I won’t go any further with this but I have done my part and what you do from this point forward is on you.  You are a good person and have a beautiful family, Nancy.  I just want you to be happy and confident in your faith.

To say I was hurt only kinda scratches the surface of my emotions. I sent this to my husband who was just as stunned as I was. I often send him emails that I feel are hurtful (not that I get many!) just to make sure I’m not reading them wrong. However, he agreed that this one was surprising and hurtful.

I didn’t know what to do, but the next day, he thought he’d call her husband, and maybe the boys, with cooler heads, could work through this. Maybe it was a misunderstanding or something to do with emails coming across more impersonal than a face to face conversation.

However, they were on the phone for over an hour and her husband said he didn’t believe the email went far enough. My husband thought perhaps the did not realize that I have thyroid cancer and that “tough love” at this time might not be the right approach.

Her husband said my cancer was just another excuse for me to complain and if it wasn’t cancer it would be something else.

He expressed concern that I am not happy in my life, not fulfilled (still trying to work out what that means – in any context, not just this one), and that homeschooling is what Catholics are called to do.

This isn’t an issue of morals or faith, as far as I can see. If the Church taught that, wouldn’t all the Catholic schools around the world shut down?

Anyway, when Beloved got off the phone, we talked for a long time. I cried a lot.

To be fair, we really haven’t talked deeply about homeschooling. Well, I mean, we have now, but until this phone call, we hadn’t.

Once Beloved pointed that out, I was sure that this is what we would choose to do, and my own demons raised their ugly little heads.

My friend was right about one thing – I am selfish. I enjoy my time alone. When the Boy is in school and Beloved is at work, that’s “my time” and I knew that if we choose to homeschool I won’t have alone time again.

It took some tears and some strength to confess all this to my husband. Because he loves me, he said he understood and that we would make sure there was alone time for Mommy, if this is what we choose to do, and he emphasized, we, by no means, have decided on anything.

We also talked about my writing. He said he too was worried about my happiness because I often say my writing isn’t going where I want it to.

I finally had to face another demon – my internet addiction. Of course, I can’t do my job without the computer, but I spend (read: waste) too much time surfing the net, checking email and playing on Facebook. I had to decide something I feared to decide before. I had to decide to do without the internet.

So, Monday through Friday, I will be disconnected from the world, via the Web. We’ll see if this can help with my problems.

I’m still hurt by the abruptness and lack of compassion our friends have shown and I pray that the friendship can be repaired, or at least we can find some common ground to remain cordial about.

Due to my cancer and all, I’m not spending energy and time worrying about their opinion of me and the choices we’ve made.

I just pray that this is not the beginning of them setting themselves up to be “more Catholic than the Pope” and stepping away from the Church completely.

——

Some time has past since I wrote this and I’m not hurt anymore about this. I’m sorry they felt they had to use such a confrontational way of approaching me about something they think is a problem. I assume there are underlying things going on that I have no knowledge of and I pray for them every day.

I’m posting this only because since I’ve been off-line all week, I wrote this on Monday when all this was fresh and I was still hurting. I wanted to get it out and thought there might be someone out there (not that I have a LARGE readership) that might shed some light on what might be going on.

Thanks!

Yes, I did mean to blog every day but after two days there wasn’t much to say beyond, here it is, Day three, same ole same ole.

We had some personal stuff go on in the family. The Girl came home from college for the weekend. It’s not actually a SUPER big deal as she’s come home every weekend since school started, but again, the university is about 20 minutes from here and Beloved works there, so her coming home isn’t hard or anythingl

Saturday was HeartLA’s monthly meeting, just a week after our luncheon. Siince I found out about the cancer after the luncheon, I told them all about it and several people had friends who went through this so I got a lot of support and all that. The meeting wasn’t too exciting; our speaker forgot to come which was fine as we only had about 8 or 9 people there to begin with.

I didn’t go to lunch with them because Beloved’s car was on the fritz and the family usually goes to Chick-fil-a on Saturdays. Or at least the boys do. They couldn’t go if I didn’t come home with my car, so I went to lunch with them.

The Girl and I went to confession Saturday afternoon. I talked to the priest about how I don’t think I’m all that good a Christian as I don’t seem to automatically turn to Jesus when I’m in the hospital or at home. Even at Adoration the night before I didn’t really know what to pray for. I mean, God knows I want healing, and it seems selfish to ask for that. What if that’s not in His will for me? Anyway, I feel a little better. Father Tom is undergoing prostate surgery soon for his own cancer and he was trying to tell me that he thought his medical problems won’t be as bad as mine. Yeah, right, um, sure, okay. Anyway, I’m praying for him.

Sunday I was feeling a little more tired, but the Girl and I had tickets to High School Musical on Stage at LSU. I’d never seen it before, being not a big Disney Channel Movie fan, but the Girl needed to see it for her theater class. She didn’t know exactly where the theater was, so we did end up walking a bit which took a lot out of me by the time we got there. Fortunately, sitting in the theater made me feel better, and the walk back to the car wasn’t so bad.

The play? It was cute, but so predictable and kinda…cheesy. I don’t know what the big hype is. I know there are tons of people who just love High School Musical – I mean, they’re making High School Musical III so it must hit a chord somewhere — but I just don’t get it. If anyone out there does, please tell me what I’m missing.

Mass was fine, but I was tired. Several choir members talked to me after and offered support and prayers.

Yesterday, I was sleepy most of the day. Just didn’t sleep good Sunday night. I went to Weight Watchers and was down .2 which isn’t great, but at least it’s not a gain.

Today, I’m feeling a bit icky. Woke up with a cold like sore throat and have been coughing. I felt like I was coming down with one before the surgery but I think this one is a DIFFERENT cold as Beloved is feeling the same way.

Tomorrow, the Boy has an appointment with an audiologist and Thursday is our Stampin’ Up Hostess club, so I’m hoping I’m feeling better for those things.

“When we are set free from the bondage of pleasing others,

when we are free from currying others approval-

then no one will be able to make us miserable or dissatisfied.

And then, if we know we have pleased God,

contentment will be our consolation.

~Kay Arthur-

I think one of the big lessons I’ve learned in my life is that it’s useless to worry about what other people think about you. You’ll never please everyone, and someone will always have something critical to say no matter what you do.

I decided to become Catholic about 13 years ago, after a lot of struggle and prayer. Beloved came to the Church through an intellectual process; he read Church Fathers and realized that the things they taught are what the Catholic Church teaches now. My trip was more about realizing that the doctrines made sense and I saw the Catholic Church standing firm on issues like contraception and abortion when all other “denominations” watered down their beliefs or caved in completely to society.

I don’t care to live the way society tells me to live – it’s not good for my soul to try to conform to what the media or the loudest voices say.

I’ve had to struggle to keep my convictions strong and that struggle has strengthen them. My birth family, all of whom are very dear to me, is not Catholic and there have been some moments of contention about that, some of them quite emotional and harsh, but I have to go with where I believe truth is.

Recently, the issue of standing up for your convictions in the face of vocal dissent came home to me. Last night, in fact.

A political discussion/emotional debate has broken out on the email chat loop of our local RWA chapter. Someone innocently posted what I call a “Yea, America” essay that’s been going around the internet. One of our active members spoke up, pointing out that the essay wasn’t by the supposed author, then went on to lay out her opinions which she unashamedly labeled as liberal. She made the unfortunate claim that “die hard conservatives” aren’t willing to read or hear any other opinions. She also said she’d debate anyone as long as they proved back up for their facts. She provided none for hers.

I answered in a brief email that basically said I was offended by her contention that I wasn’t willing to read any other opinions and stated that she demanded proof for my statements but offered none ofher own.

She came back with an apology for the offensive comment but said that while she knew what she said was true (i.e. people having to choose between putting gas in the car and feeding their children), there was no documentation to “prove that.”

I let it go after that because I’m not a good debater and last year I was “tarred” with the “rude and mean” brush by members of the chapter. I wasn’t willing to risk that again.

Then a friend came home from a trip to all this and spoke up quite vehemently on the conservative side of the issue. Her posts were passionate and accurate, and I began to fear, as the posts went back and forth, that tempers were running high and our chapter could split.

Last night, I privately emailed my friend and we chatted a bit about what has been going on and she said that no one was stepping forward to defend either position – it came down to her and the other woman posting alone.

I had written my own emotional email, outlining some of my personal experience, mainly about the birth/adoption of my kids and how that affected my pro-llife stance, but I had only sent it out to a couple of people.

When I realized that my friend had the courage to stand up for her convictions and was doing it alone, I felt the need to stand up for mine, so I rewrote the post, providing links to articles backing up my statements, and posted to the loop.

I haven’t heard anything yet, except praise from this this friend about my ability to use words, and I went to bed last night worried about the fallout.

However, when I saw today’s quote, I thought about it. I hadn’t flamed anyone nor posted anything but my own opinions and if I’m not willing to be vocal about pro-life and family issues, how can I expect to be an effective witness? If I am so worried about being considered rude and mean that I don’t stand up for what I know is right, what good am I?

Pleasing others is not the way to eternal life. People will always let you down. God is the only one I need to please, and I pray that my words last night, and here, please him and I am truly sorry if they don’t.

Last Easter, I couldn’t get to all the services for the Triduum because the Boy had his tonsils out on Maundy Thursday, so I missed that service. The Girl says Beloved stayed home that night, too, but I don’t remember that. She and I went to Good Friday and then she and Beloved went to the Vigil and I went to Easter morning service alone.

This year, we all went to everything. The choir Beloved and the Girl are in sang for Maundy Thursday, so the Boy and I sat alone in our regular pew (right up front, as close to the choir as we can get without actually being IN the choir). Well, I guess not alone as an older lady sat with us due to the number of attendees. Just so you know, this is a very small pew. It can comfortably hold four people, but I don’t know that you could squeeze in five, so the Boy and I aren’t taking up six or seven places all by ourselves!

When they took the Eucharist out of the church, I cried a little and tried to explain to the Boy what was happening. I told him Jesus was going to die and wouldn’t be with us until Easter Sunday. As the priests carried the consecrated hosts all around the church and then over to where they would rest for adoration until late that night, I saw a few tears running down the Boy’s cheeks as well. This may be my child who wrestles with God, but at that moment, he got the emotions of the moment, anyway.

There was a gumbo supper after that service, and even though our line was directed through past the desserts first, I didn’t have any. The gumbo was delicious and not too spicy.

We sat with a couple we’d never met before and through the conversation I mentioned I’m a writer and gave them my website address and the names of my books. I really need to print up new business cards!

On Good Friday, we all went – again sitting in the same pew (they should put our names on it like they used to do in those old churches). Someone on the decor committee had hung a red banner over the crucifix and the altar was cleared except for three chairs and the lectern. It was kind of emotional to see that, which is good for Good Friday. We should feel the emotion!

After that service, the decor committee, which I’m on, decorated for Easter. Beloved, the Girl AND the Boy helped. The Girl tried to figure out how to get disadvantaged service hours out of it, but decided to be honest and not count this work.

Anyway, we worked from about 4:30 or a little later until about 7:30 or so when one of the men brought in catfish and hush puppies. Well, I don’t eat fish or any seafood (a bit of a handicap living in Louisiana) so I’d made a kind of lasagna thing, without meat, of course, as it was Good Friday – which is a day of fast and abstinence. I had some of my lasagna, some yummy salad, some bread and one cookie. Then, I left the room where the food was because those cookies were calling to me and having any more food would violate, in my opinion, the whole spirit of the fast and abstinence rule. In reality, I probably shouldn’t have had that cookie, but whatever.We left right after we ate because it was after the Boy’s bedtime and most of the work was finished anyway.

I had a HeartLA meeting on Saturday morning and the Girl volunteered at a nursing home for some disadvantaged service hours.

Our RWA chapter had some surprising news on Thursday; our president resigned, citing family reasons. I don’t know what those are and won’t speculate here, but our vice-president said she didn’t feel ready to step in as president, yet.Our chapter has this kind of “succession” system. It’s kind of understood that if you agree to run for and are elected vice-president, you will be president the next year. We’re such a small chapter we don’t have a lot of people running for offices, so basically, if you agree to run, you will hold the office.

As I was president last year, I told our VP that if she needed my help on Saturday, I’d be there. I missed the last two months due to pneumonia (Jan) and the Boy’s Pinewood Derby (Feb – he won first place in car design!). She said she thought she could run the meeting but was glad I’d be there to help if she needed it.

Then, Elaine Grant, who was president two years ago, contacted me and asked if I would be willing to be co-president with her this year to help our VP get through her year of learning the ropes. I agreed. I’ll be running meetings and Elaine will work on the luncheon.

We didn’t go to the vigil on Saturday night. While I love that service and it really feels like Easter when I go, the Boy wouldn’t have been able to handle a 2+ hour service, no matter how beautiful.

Sunday morning, we went to church and then spent a lovely, NO TV, day. Beloved had brined the turkey (yes we had turkey for Easter – we’d gotten two for the winter holidays and had one still in the freezer), and roasted it upside down and it was the most delicious turkey I think I’ve ever had.

It was lovely, relaxing day.

The kids have this week off from school, and the Girl has a ton of stuff to do so it may end up being me and the Boy around here. I hope to get a lot done on Sword & Illusion. I can always get the Boy interested in coloring or building with his blocks and he can be good for an hour or so!

How was your holiday? Blessed, I hope!

Do I?

As part of my Lenten disciplines, I am praying a rosary every day, but recently I realized that I’m saying the words (I do it while waiting in the carpool line to pick up the Boy from school) but am I really praying? Really talking to my Lord?

The Girl is a wonderful young woman of God and when she says her prayers at night (we all pray our nighttime prayers together in the Boy’s room when it’s time for him to go to bed), it often sounds a little irreverent to me:

“And God, you know that thing-a-ma-bob I want to pray about before but I forget what it was now, well, you know all that stuff and, yeah, that and all the other, you know, school junk and my biology thingie and well, yeah, all that. Amen.”

When I asked her about that, she said she talked to God that way all the time because He’s always around and like her friends.

So when I realized that I’m saying the words of the rosary, while sitting in the car, but not thinking about them, I also realized that my relationship with Jesus is kinda distant. I mean, I have never doubted His presence or any of that, and I still go to Adoration every Saturday morning at midnight until 1 am. And there, He’s RIGHT THERE, you know? RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, and He’s just sitting there waiting for ME!! Waiting for me to come and be alone with Him.

However, even with that, the rest of the week, I don’t pray much and I worry and often He’s not the first thing I think of when I hurt or something bad happens.

So, I made a new plan for Lent.

I am a geek and kind of a talk radio addict. When I’m in the car I listen to WJBO, the local conservative talk radio station, so when my rosary is finish, I would turn Sean Hannity on and listen to him.

At home, at the computer, I listen to Live365.com  and a station called Can’t Take the Sky, that plays music about and inspired by Firefly and Serenity, one of my obsessions. Yes, it’s a little geeky, but don’t ask what’s on my mp3 player!

Anyway, I decided for the rest of Lent, I will not listen to those things. I’ll listen to KLOVE our local Christian radio station and on the Internet, I’ll listen to the Catholic Jukebox.

I also started trying to talk to Jesus the way the Girl does.

I’ve felt much closer to God since I made these decisions and some personal things happened that seemed like His hand reaching down and touching me.

Now, the next issue is that Atheist Guy is still here and went to Mass with us yesterday. I’m trying to show him how happy a Christian marriage and family can be because he really is a pessimist. He doesn’t where he is working and doesn’t see any way to find a better job and he’s very cynical. Even going to Mass with us, he made a few comments in jest that my husband takes in stride but they drive me crazy. He even took a book with him (H.P. Lovecraft!) and read it during the offertory and I think communion. I mentioned it to Beloved after Mass, but he said, “don’t worry about it.”

But, the homily was all about if we know Jesus in our hearts, not our heads. Talking about when a Protestant asks you if you’re saved or if you know Jesus. Do we know Him?

I felt as though he were talking to me, but I do feel better about my relationship with my Saviour and I plan not to move away again!

If you’re interested in how things are going with my bout of pneumonia, check out my weight loss blog.

I got the idea for this post from Rocks in My Dryer, but I’d been thinking about blogging some of the stuff my little one says and this is a great opportunity to do that.

My children are eighteen years old and five years old. Our son was adopted when our daughter was twelve years old, so in honor on National Adoption Awareness Month (thanks to Perky for alerting me to this) I’m using purple for my posts this month.

Of course, she’s a girl, he’s a boy, but the differences go so much deeper.

The Girl was a delicate little flower as a child, careful and safe. We never had to baby-proof anything because she never really got into anything she shouldn’t.

The Boy climbed the moment he realized he could and knew no fear, diving head first off the couch and climbing out of his crib.

The Girl seems to have inherited my medical problems and her father’s height, but did not get any of the allergies that plague her father.

The Boy has the same allergies as his dad and in many ways, they are worse (he was adopted, remember!).

The Girl was always quiet in school. We were always surprised when her teachers told us that she was quiet because she blabbered all the time at home.

The Boy gets in trouble for talking during work time and rest time at school.

The Girl watched The Little Mermaid over and over again until I can recite the whole movie from heart.

The Boy ran toward a creepy bloody face on a DVD box at Blockbuster and demanded (at age 3!) that we rent this movie! (Um, NO!)

The Girl believed everything we told her about Jesus from the time she was able to say “Jesus made me.” She never questioned her faith, at least not in our hearing.

The Boy questions EVERYTHING! Mass is an interesting experience with him. I told him one Sunday to turn around and face front because we weren’t there to pay attention to the little girl behind him.

Me: “We’re supposed to be paying attention to Jesus.”

Him: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see him there.”

We have many interesting theological discussions as I try to tell him what I can about the Eucharist and our faith. Whenever the priest holds up the host and says, “This is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. Happy are those who are called to his supper.” I tell the Boy to look.

Me: See? It’s Jesus.

Him: I don’t see any eyes.

One day, as we were talking about how he behaves in school, I told him that he maybe should pray to God and ask for help.

Him: God is just a statue in Church.

Nope, this is not going to be a kid who believes easily. I pray that like Jacob, if he has to wrestle with God, he will come out blessed and strong in his faith.