I really kinda hesitate to write this post, but I need to let out some of the feelings I’ve been having today.
First of all, I found out this morning that our bank balance wasn’t good and wasn’t what I had expected to see. Money issues always throw me into a tizzy, I really don’t know why. I always feel like it’s my fault and I panic when something goes wrong. Today was no exception.
Now, if you’ve read this blog much (and few people do), I hope you’ve seen by now that I consider myself a devout Catholic Christian. However, today I’ve begun to question a lot of basic beliefs and frankly, it scares me.
I listen to KLOVE radio, a nationwide Christian station. The songs are very positive and full of praise. There’s this one song, “Call on Jesus” that usually makes me feel better. Today, it was the catalyst for my questions.
The chorus goes:
But when I call on Jesus
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
‘Cause He’ll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call
The thing is: I don’t see Him moving heaven and earth to help me.
Years and years ago, before I became Catholic, before I even knew my husband, when I was in college, I attended a couple of Christian Fellowship meetings on campus. It wasn’t my style, but the thing I remember is that one after another people, 20-somethings, married, would get up and talk about how when they were broke and desperate, some kind of miracle would occur. They’d need $500 for rent or something and BAM an anonymous gift of $600 would appear in their mailbox and the next day they’d need $100 for a doctor bill or something. God is amazing! He knew exactly what they would need even better than they did!
I’ve heard stories like this over and over and over as I’ve gone through my Christian walk, and you know what, it’s never happened to me. I spend an hour every Saturday morning from midnight to 1 am in front of the Blessed Sacrament, usually wnen I’m so tired I would rather be in bed. I pour out my heart to Jesus about what it bothering me, the problems in our home, and I don’t see miracles. I don’t see healings or windfalls or mountains and earth being moved to help us.
I see us trying to figure a way out of the problem.
Today I went to the bank, got a cash advance on one of our credit cards and deposited that. It wasn’t a miracle from God. It was a high interest loan from a credit card company.
Our son hit kids at school yesterday and today. What happens to the prayers of his mother for help with his behavior? I think they hit the ceiling of the bedroom and fall to the floor.
I’m going to be 50 in a few years. This is a time of life for most people when they start to be financially able to help their children and start to feel like their lifetime of labor has started to pay off.
Not us. We still haven’t completely paid off the roof we put on our house last year, almost exactly a year ago. My daughter and I both need new glasses and contacts as it’s hard for her to see the blackboard at school and I can’t read the guide on the television from chair anymore. I don’t know how we can afford this. Every day there’s more and more money leaving the house and NOTHING coming in except once a month when my husband gets paid. The bills are always more than we expect and I feel like I’m in a deep, deep hole with no way out.