This week marked the 25th anniversary of the day I met my husband, the man who makes every day of my life happier than it could have been without him.

However, somewhere along the way, I’ve lost belief in myself. I am at my lowest weight since Weight Watchers started their new Points Plus program, which I love because all fruit is no points! That means I can eat the foods I really love without worrying about 1 or 2 points every time I have an apple or a pear or even, can you believe it, a banana!

I want to work for Weight Watchers. I know I’m good at speaking in front of people and I believe in what Weight Watchers teaches. I want to share that with other people.

However, I’ve wanted this for a couple of years now and I haven’t gotten to the weight I need to be. Now I’m only less than 5 pounds from being able to apply to work as a receptionist. Ultimately, I want to be a leader. I have to be within 2 pounds of my goal weight.

My “Real” goal weight is 143 because that was the weight I was at the day of my kidney transplant, but that is 12 pounds lower than the top of my healthy weight range of 155. That’s where I have to be and right now I’m about 14 or so from that, but I only need to be 10 from that to be able to work.

I’m scared that I won’t get there. A couple of years ago, when I was 15 pounds from my goal, I filled out a survey my WW leader asked us to fill out. One of the questions was would you want to work for them and I said yes. I never lied about where I was, but they interviewed me even though I was still 15 pounds. They hired me and I was stunned.

I went to my first training session and everyone introduced themselves. Everyone there but me was at goal or at lifetime and I admitted that I still needed to lose five pounds. They were all so supportive and said, “It’s done. By the time training is done you’ll be there.”

I never got there. I messed up somewhere along the line. I struggled and I stressed and I did whatever I could do but the weight didn’t come off. Finally, I asked to be taken off the employee rolls because it wasn’t working.

Now I see myself so close again and I just KNOW I’m going to blow it again. I know what I have to do, and I have tried to be careful, but yesterday I heard that my sister-in-law lost SIX pounds this past week and that puts her at 75 pounds lost.

I’m so happy for her, but inside I’m thinking, it’s never going to happen for me. Not that I need to lose 75 pounds, but will I ever get to my goal or even lose the five pounds I need to start working.

My mother-in-law, who walks with a cane and uses a wheelchair at home, and who loves her desserts, loses more weight than I do EVERY WEEK.

Of course, even if I lose that five pounds, will I mess that up and gain it back?? I just don’t have any confidence that I can do it.

This is exactly how I feel about my writing, too. I haven’t been published is 7 years and I wonder if it’ll ever happen for me again. Right now I have been sending my epic fantasy novel to agents and contests. No positive response from any agent, and it’s too early for the contest results. I just feel like it’s not going to happen for me again.

I really need something to happen to give my confidence again. I wish I could figure out what that is and how to find it.