He asked me where I was a year ago. I love that WW now puts the weight on our page automatically so I don’t have to remember to do it. I looked up where I was at the weigh in at this time last year and I was .2 pounds heavier. It’s not a lot but it’s something, darn it!!

I started watching Biggest Loser again. I watch it on Hulu.com as we don’t have cable and I’m behind everyone else. However, watching those people always motivates me.

I stopped going to the gym when my sciatica started acting up and I can’t run or do any jumping stuff so the classes I liked to go go are out. I started using my Wii for exercise, but lately all I do is Walk it Out, which, while it’s a good “game” and I love it, I know it’s not challenging me. I don’t even get too tired doing it anymore. So, I asked my loving, supportive husband if he’d go to the gym with me tomorrow night to make sure I do something. He said he’d watch our son and let me go so we didn’t have to send him to the grandparents. Also, it’ll give my husband a chance to do some writing.

I even put this on the calender. I’m going to do it!

There are 8 weeks left in 2011. I can’t get to goal (unless some miracle occurs and I lose more than I generally do every week), but I can get closer. If I lose a pound a week, I would be closer than I’ve ever been!!!

I’m going to try. I feel so psyched about this. I just hope this feeling lasts!

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I think God is really trying to get my attention, possibly because I haven’t been paying attention before!

Well, I feel like this is happening a lot lately and I’ve started looking around to see what He’s trying to get me to change. Because, ultimately, He wouldn’t be trying to hard to get me to listen if I were doing all the right things in the first place.

I keep hearing a song on the radio by Steven Curtis Chapman called Do Everything. I’d post the video here but experience has taught me that it wouldn’t work anyway, but go to YouTube and look for it if you don’t know the song.

The basic message is to “Do Everything You Do for the Glory of God.”

Years ago, I tried to figure out how that’s even possible. At the time I was the wife of a graduate student and the mom of a little girl about four or five years old. We were living in a trailer and seriously had no money. I was thinking about being a writer and people would suggest that I go to a book store and buy the kinds of books I wanted to write and study them. They just didn’t get that I literally didn’t have the money to buy books!

Doing my daily chores and life stuff for the glory of God just didn’t compute. How did defrosting a freezer or folding clothes glorify God? Didn’t I need to be praying endless Rosaries or going out and finding the homeless and bringing them back to my house to feed and clothe?

We actually did take care of a homeless guy for awhile but frankly, he wanted to drink and break windows more than he wanted new clothes or food.

Now it’s years later, and I’m older and I hope, more mature in my walk with Jesus. Last summer, when I went to RWA Nationals, I got a very strong feeling that God was reaffirming to me that He wants me to write. The speakers all seemed to be telling me that and even the missal at the church I went to Mass on Sunday morning had a picture on the cover labeled, “Jesus the Storyteller.” I felt like God was sitting next to me, saying, “Look, I gave you the talent and the desire to write. What are you going to do about it?”

A year has gone by and I’ve finished my book, sent it to an agent, and am still looking. I’m also working on the second book in the series along with a middle grade fantasy novel based on stories my son tells.

But if I’m getting this message that I need to do everything for the glory of God, what am I missing?

Well, of course I know. I’m not working hard enough on my writing. I waste a lot of time on computer games, Facebook, whatever.

And there’s more.

This was the year I said I was going to meet my weight loss goals, and that’s not looking so promising now. I hate tracking my food and I love ice cream.

But, I’m starting to get a new perspective. Today’s second reading this morning was Romans 12:1-2 and as I followed along in the missal I felt that 2×4 to my head (or my heart, maybe) again. Verse 2 especially:

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Okay, so I’m now seeing things a little differently. When I want to do something, I’ve started asking myself, “Does this bring glory to God?”

If I’m folding clothes or cleaning the bathroom or emptying the dishwasher, I’ve started to realize that those things bless my family and I’ve been called to be a mom so if I do mom things then I bring glory to God.

If I sit down and write my word quota, then since I’m called to write, I bring glory to God.

If I spend an hour playing Word with Friends or Frontierville, I’m not bringing glory to God if my other tasks are being neglected. Games and pasttimes are not evil but they’re not my calling.

Sundays are a day of rest and I can play games then. I can also sew for my family and that’s renewing to my spirit, too, so I can bring glory to God by blessing my family with clothing or lovely things to look at or quilts to keep them warm. I can make gifts to bless others, too.

If I’m eating healthy food to nourish my temple of the Holy Spirit, I bring glory to God.

If I stuff my face with cake and cookies, to the exclusion of good food, I don’t.

I don’t know where this all will lead me but it’s a journey I’m looking forward to.

However, somewhere along the way, I’ve lost belief in myself. I am at my lowest weight since Weight Watchers started their new Points Plus program, which I love because all fruit is no points! That means I can eat the foods I really love without worrying about 1 or 2 points every time I have an apple or a pear or even, can you believe it, a banana!

I want to work for Weight Watchers. I know I’m good at speaking in front of people and I believe in what Weight Watchers teaches. I want to share that with other people.

However, I’ve wanted this for a couple of years now and I haven’t gotten to the weight I need to be. Now I’m only less than 5 pounds from being able to apply to work as a receptionist. Ultimately, I want to be a leader. I have to be within 2 pounds of my goal weight.

My “Real” goal weight is 143 because that was the weight I was at the day of my kidney transplant, but that is 12 pounds lower than the top of my healthy weight range of 155. That’s where I have to be and right now I’m about 14 or so from that, but I only need to be 10 from that to be able to work.

I’m scared that I won’t get there. A couple of years ago, when I was 15 pounds from my goal, I filled out a survey my WW leader asked us to fill out. One of the questions was would you want to work for them and I said yes. I never lied about where I was, but they interviewed me even though I was still 15 pounds. They hired me and I was stunned.

I went to my first training session and everyone introduced themselves. Everyone there but me was at goal or at lifetime and I admitted that I still needed to lose five pounds. They were all so supportive and said, “It’s done. By the time training is done you’ll be there.”

I never got there. I messed up somewhere along the line. I struggled and I stressed and I did whatever I could do but the weight didn’t come off. Finally, I asked to be taken off the employee rolls because it wasn’t working.

Now I see myself so close again and I just KNOW I’m going to blow it again. I know what I have to do, and I have tried to be careful, but yesterday I heard that my sister-in-law lost SIX pounds this past week and that puts her at 75 pounds lost.

I’m so happy for her, but inside I’m thinking, it’s never going to happen for me. Not that I need to lose 75 pounds, but will I ever get to my goal or even lose the five pounds I need to start working.

My mother-in-law, who walks with a cane and uses a wheelchair at home, and who loves her desserts, loses more weight than I do EVERY WEEK.

Of course, even if I lose that five pounds, will I mess that up and gain it back?? I just don’t have any confidence that I can do it.

This is exactly how I feel about my writing, too. I haven’t been published is 7 years and I wonder if it’ll ever happen for me again. Right now I have been sending my epic fantasy novel to agents and contests. No positive response from any agent, and it’s too early for the contest results. I just feel like it’s not going to happen for me again.

I really need something to happen to give my confidence again. I wish I could figure out what that is and how to find it.

I got Sword & Illusion edited (or at least I worked on it for an hour), then I read my husband’s book and critiqued it for an hour. Then I took my little Netbook and went to the carpool to pick the Boy up from school.

He told me he needed a glue stick for school so I thought we’d head over to Target. I needed light bulbs anyway.

Our nearest Target is next to a Best Buy and I’ve been wanting a Wii Fit since about Christmas. I asked for one for my birthday in Feb but Beloved couldn’t find any and got me a George Foreman Grill instead.

Anyway, when I asked at the Best Buy about it, they never could tell me when they were getting them in. We got the final check from my mother’s estate, and I’d put a bunch of random checks, including that one, in the bank.

So, since we were right there, I thought, oh, let’s stop in and see if they have any. They won’t but we’re right here anyway.

Well, they had them! Not the Wii Fits, but the very helpful saleman answered my questions and told me that another store across town had Wii Fits and I could pay for it there and go to the other store and pick it up. Cool.

So, I got everything this guy recommended I needed and an extra game for the Boy and A Biggest Loser workout disc for me. It was more money than I expected but as Beloved said, I’m an heiress now and we have a bit of extra cash.

I’m also considering getting a Nook or a Kindle so if anyone has any comments on either one, I’ll take it.

We brought everything home (didn’t get to Target) and started the set up. Then the Gril and Beloved came home, we had dinner and he headed off to RCIA at church. His mom is finally feeling up to getting out of the house again, so that’s good.

The kids and I headed to the Mall where the other Best Buy is and picked up the Wii Fit and bought an Alice in Wonderland game for the Girl.

Then we came home and set THAT all up! We made Miis for all of us and the Girl and I did our body test on the Balance Board for the Wii Fit. It gave me a Wii Fit age of 60 – NINE years older than I am!!! It made the Girl about 8 years older and when Beloved did it, 13 for him. I don’t think that’s quite right since he runs 3 times a week, but he had trouble figuring out the balance stuff.

So, in the end, I only got about 2 new pages written, so I’ll have to do some catching up!

It hasn’t been a good couple of days here. First off, Saturday night Beloved and the Girl had a major fight when he asked her to do the dishes. It’s kind of an ongoing fight around her to get her to do her chores, and she has some kind of issue with people knocking on her bedroom door. She literally yells “What?” whenever anyone knocks. I should say when her parents knock. She knows when it’s the Boy and doesn’t yell at him. It gets a little annoying when I’m scared to knock to see what she wants to drink for dinner for fear she’ll snap my head off.

Anyway, this fight was a bad one and pretty much lasted until…well, kind of, until now. A cease-fire has been established and relationships are cordial. Beloved still maintains that he will not mention her chores anymore, preferring to do them himself so as to not be a nag, but with that is no allowance for her and no going out with her friends. She, for her part, did work on the dishes after dinner and hasn’t yelled at anyone today.

This morning I woke up depressed. I think being in that menopausal state means that my hormones are messed up (Beloved calls it puberty in reverses) so some days I’m just depressed.

Well, I did all my weights yesterday – something I haven’t done in a while – and my entire body from inner thigh to triceps ache from the effort, so I didn’t go to the gym this morning. Beloved and I have a date to go tomorrow evening.

Weight watchers was a disaster. Up 2.2 pounds. I wanted to quit right then and there. I haven’t been tracking but I didn’t think I did that badly. I made it to the gym three times – twice for cardio – so I guess I got a little cocky and figured I was safe.

This afternoon I was working on my book and my computer froze up three times, meaning, I think, that I might have lost some of my work and I’m not happy about it.

Beloved and the Girl went to choir practice tonight and stopped at the grocery store. He bought me a red silk rose. Isn’t that nice?

If there is anyone out there, I could really use some encouragement and cheering up.

I’d like this blog to be focused on writing, but for now, I need to put the weight loss stuff here.

Cut into my Weekly allowance points yesterday and soy nuts have more points than I thought. However, I also went to the Y twice so I racked up 10 activity points yesterday.

Went this morning and got 9 points so I’m not fully out of points yet. A big bad choice on Monday stole most of my points and it’s a catch-up game to make it to the weekend and have some points to play with.

Heading out to the nephrologist later. Just a regular check-up, nothing to worry about, then I’ll stop at the farmer’s market on the way home for cucumbers and celery for my yummy CORE (almost – bacon bits are low points) lunchtime salad. I made chicken soup on Monday so that’ll be dinner and that’s CORE so I think I’m doing okay.

I put a picture of a Cookie Dough Blast as my desktop to remind me what I’m working for. I want to be able to put tickers up on this blog (if I can’t get my new one soon) to let you all know how I’m doing, but the tech geeks in the family can’t find time to help me with it. Maybe tomorrow as it’s a Holy Day and Beloved will be home!

I don’t know why because I know the program works and I want to lose weight. I think the problem might be that I don’t want to lose weight ENOUGH.

I have been trying all day to figure out WHY I want to lose weight. Everyone has their reasons for wanting to lose, health, family, class reunion, whatever. I don’t have a strong reason. I can’t really say that my health is the reason because I’m healthier now than I was before the transplant, so that’s not the big reason.

I want to look pretty. I want to have a nice photo to put on the back of a book when I need one. Are those enough? They don’t seem to be or I wouldn’t have gained back 13 pounds.

I want to feel better about myself. I want to get rid of this belly that glares back at me when I look in the mirror. I know I’ll never have a flat belly again – too many abdominal surgeries, but I want to stop looking sloppy when I see myself.

Why isn’t that enough to work hard enough to have already lost the weight I want? I need something I can look at every day and renew my motivation. My husband promised me a while back that if I lost 3 pounds he’d buy me a Sonic Cookie Dough Blast. Well, that 3 pounds is now 6.6 pounds. I’m going to print up a picture of that and post it where I can see it!

When I got home from the trip, my time was mainly spent getting things ready for school. We live in the South so my kids both started school on 13 Aug, which still seems early for this Northern born girl. However, they were ready, I think. I know I was.

The Girl is a Senior now, so that presents its own set of challenges, but she likes school. Yesterday she came home early because of a cold, which we knew about and actually told her she didn’t need to go. Today, she said she was feeling better and could breathe out of her nose, so she wanted to go.

The Boy is in Kindergarten, and also loves his school, but we’re dealing with some discipline issues. It’s not that he’s a bad kid, but I think he just is so social he likes to talk and play with his friends and isn’t good, yet, at working quietly and not talking out when he should be quiet.

I do have some issues with this school’s carpool policy. I understand they are in a residential area and can’t be blocking the street for long, but they’re plan is that we carpool parents line up with a sign with our kid’s name and a woman, maybe the principal, stands in the middle of the parking lot (where we are lined up) and calls out each name and tells the kids which pole to go to meet their car. Okay, so when it’s my turn, she calls out “Brandt” and a pole color. My son has done this a total of about five times and he doesn’t always hear her over the other kids talking, so I end up waiting for him at the pole and holding up the line. Naturally, the teachers rush him when they finally realize who I’m waiting for and they don’t even bother to fasten his seatbelt. We have to rush through this process so everyone can get their kids.

I get all this, but for crying out loud, the kid’s in kindergarten and I am new to this process, too. I wish they could just be little understanding for the little ones. Today I make a new sign and make sure I put this whole name on it and that he’s in kindergarten. Maybe they could show a little patience for him.

I’m working on a novella that Susan and I brainstormed while in Disney. I think I’m changing it a bit, but that’s okay. I just want to get it done!

I’m still working on the weight loss. I’ve been going up and down for awhile but I’m getting serious. My husband said if I can lose 3 pounds (now 3.8 – family came to visit!), I can have a Sonic Cookie Dough Blast.

Well, it’s lunch time here, so I’ll sign off now! Please comment so I know you’re out there!

Some quick updates:

Writing update:

I’ve kind of put off writing because of some other things going on. I finished judging the entries I got from the Get Your Stiletto in the Door contest. I wanted to get them all done before the cruise so it wasn’t hanging over my head.

I’ve dug out an old story about a woman with three children whose husband was a hostage in the Middle East for three years and was just released to come home to a life that is very different from the one he left. The version I have now is very Catholic and while I’ve been hoping to get something ready to send to one of the conventional publishers, I think I want to finish this one the way it is and send it to Wings. Until someone is willing to publish Catholic romances, I guess I’ll have to keep writing those for small presses.

Today, between doctor appointments, I’m going to work on the workshops for the cruise.

Weight loss update:

Or should I say weight gain update. Yes, I was up 1.6 this week at my weigh-in. I had a long cry about it when I got home, and yes, I yelled at God about it. I know what I need to do, but I get discouraged at the idea that I’ll have to spend the rest of my life eating only fruits and vegetables, without treats. AND with the cruise next week, I don’t foresee my next weigh in being any better. Next week the topic is how we’re not our weight and I’ll miss it. That’s the one I need1

Sewing/craft update:

I finished a skirt and a pair of pants for the cruise. The pants are a little loose, but the elastic is sewn in so I can’t really fix them. The good part is I have another pair cut from that same pattern and now I know to cut the elastic a little smaller. I have another skirt done,but it needs to be hemmed. I will try to do that today.

I have been cleaning up the rec room/craft area because a friend from church who is a rubber stamper, too, is coming over to hang out for a while tomorrow.

General life update:

The Boy is going through a very rebellious, contentious stage. He throws a temper tantrum, complete with screaming and crying if he doesn’t get his own way. I’m trying to stay calm when these things happen. Yesterday I did pretty well. I firmly told him to go to the bedroom if he wasn’t going to stop fussing and crying. Of course he said no and we had a little bit of a chase around the living room, but eventually I got him “herded” (walking with me close behind him) to the bedroom. I got him on his bed and told him to stay there. He fought a little and I took two of his stuffed animals away. They were actually The Girl’s, but he and I’d collected all the animals in the house in our room for a party over the weekend. I left the room when he was “settled” on the bed, and set the timer for five minutes. He began to scream at me, and I went back in for a little talk. Came out again, and reset the timer. After about three minutes, I heard something hit the adjoining wall between the bedroom and the rec room. I went in to see what he’d thrown – a printer cartridge for a printer that doesn’t work anymore. I took his favorite stuffed animal and put it on a high shelf in the closet, told him he was to stay on that bed until I got back and if he threw anything again he’d lose more toys.

He made it through the next five minutes, but he acted up again after Daddy got home and got a time out again.

I just PRAY that this phase ends soon.

My update on the cruise: I’ll be flying into Orlando around 2:30 pm on 21 Jul. A check of my wardrobe shows that I’m in desperate need of cruise worthy clothes, so I’ve been digging through my fabric stash to make some new stuff. So far I’ve cut out a flippy skirt and I’m about half way finished with it. I’ve order some lime twill fabric for pants but I don’t know if it’ll arrive in time. I think I’ve got some white with pink palms on it that I’ll make another skirt. I think with a few bright colored t-shirts, I’ll be set to play jet setter on the cruise. I still need a bathing suit, but I’ll see about getting on next week.

Writing Update:

I’m still waist deep in edits and rewrites for Sword & Illusion. Part of the delay is that I’ve taken out a pivotal incident (it was necessary for the plot but didn’t make sense for the characters and the story) and that requires a lot of fiddlin’ to make things work around it and new scenes added to have things make sense.

Weight loss Update:

Weight Watchers Day: Down 1 pound! That’s 14 pounds total.

Book Review Update:

No one commented on my review of Divine By Mistake so I will give it away to a friend. Tomorrow I’ll do a review of another book, and the same give away rules will apply. Anyone who comments and says they want the book will be entered into a drawing to win it.

Other Author Work Update:

I’m judging the Chick Lit Writers of the World Get Your Stiletto in the Door contest, the inspirational category. I have three more entries to judge before the 15th of Jul.